Joan Rivers: "Ask Me What You Want to Ask Me"

Emmy Award-winning comedian, author, actress, playwright, television host, fashion commentator, and Celebrity Apprentice winner Joan Rivers brings her stand-up to the Adrienne Arsht Center. Premier Guide Miami sat down to find out what that means — and what comes next.

For one night only, Joan Rivers — Emmy Award-winning comedian, author, actress, playwright, television talk show host, fashion commentator, and winner of Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice — dazzled Miamians with her brilliance at the Adrienne Arsht Center on November 11, 2009.

The ever energetic, high-spirited, and ridiculously funny Joan Rivers spent some time talking with us ahead of her performance. She had us laughing from the introduction to the end of the interview. Of course, she is a comedian — what did you expect? She holds nothing back, tells it like it is, and if you don’t get it, too bad. No need for a lengthy introduction — the interview says it all.

I am glad you are performing in Miami and I am excited to talk to you about your performance at the Adrienne Arsht Center. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with us.

Ask me what you want to ask me. I will answer what you want to hear.

Recently at the Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers, Kathy Griffin referred to you as her inspiration and a trailblazer for women. Do you feel that you have paved the way for female comedians?

Couldn’t care less.

And why is that?

Couldn’t care less, because I think these people think they have done something — it’s so boring and so stupid and so pretentious. I have a great career and I do what I do. I never thought I was a trailblazer and I never speak of myself in those terms. It’s very sweet of Kathy, who is my friend, to say that.

You are a comedian, author, actress, playwright, television talk show host, fashion commentator, and winner of Celebrity Apprentice. How do you manage to keep up with all of these activities in your life?

Oh whatever, yeah yeah… I just love the business. And I think most of us — like Steve Martin is a performer, a comedian, an author. When you really look around, most of us are writers and do other things also. Very few comedians these days are just comedians. We all write our own material, most of us write books, most of us do more than just stand-up.

Is there a secret to your level of energy?

That’s just luck. My family has a lot of energy — I have an aunt that never stops. My sister and I laugh sometimes because the energy in the family is extraordinary. I also really think that anyone who turns down any opportunity in life is an idiot. My God, if somebody says to you, “Do you want to go to Russia for four days?” — yes! yes! yes! Always yes. I never say no.

Is that because you only have one life to live?

Absolutely. I have done such amazing things in my life — a trip to Nepal, been to Russia in the dead of winter. How many people can say they have spent four days in St. Petersburg, in real Russia, with big heavy coats and boots? It was great. I’ve been to China, India — always on the spur of the moment. People say “you wanna go?” and I say yes.

Why have you decided to share your performance with Miamians? Why Miami?

Because they are paying me.

Is that the only reason? You don’t love us that much?

I am a performer. I do my stand-up all around the country, and when they call up and say “Do you want to play Miami?” you go, “Great.” It’s fun, it’s a great area, there are a lot of young people. I hate the term hip, but it’s hip and I love it. Every time they say “Do you want to go to Miami?” I say yes.

So share the secret — how much do they pay you?

Who knows. I have not seen a check in 15 years — it goes right to my account. It goes right past my head.

You have had high and low points in your career and you seem to be a survivor. To what do you attribute that?

Move forward. Never, never dwell on the past. You can’t change the past, so for God’s sakes move on.

Looking back on your career, are there mistakes you would do differently today? What would you say was your biggest mistake?

I don’t know — every choice has two paths out of it, so you don’t know. They offered me Oprah’s daytime show before Oprah was offered it, and maybe I don’t think I would have been Oprah, so I don’t know what would have happened.

Do you think you would have made a greater success than Oprah has?

Oh no. I think everything was right when she came along. She was smart, she was bright, she was African American — she was the whole package.

Through your experiences, what wisdom would you pass on to someone who is trying to make it in this life?

Marry a very rich person. I don’t care if you like him or you don’t like him. Marry a very rich person and get a great prenup.

What can we expect from your Miami performance?

Just everything that’s annoying you as a reader annoys me, and we are going to talk about it. I hate thin people, I hate fat people, I hate old people, I hate young people, I hate children… I am sick of everything. I hate terrorists, and they all get their share of venom.

Can you give us a preview?

No, it sounds so awful. But it’s fun. I think I have never been working better. The only good thing about age is that it frees you to really say what you want to say. If I had worked like this on a stage when I was 30 years old, how exciting that would have been. It is so much fun — I am having such a good time.

Have you done anything special while you have been here?

Visiting friends, of course. Miami is always friends that live in Lauderdale, live in Palm Beach — there are always friends that you see when you are here, which makes it lovely.

Well, thank you so much for your time, Ms. Rivers…

“You got the jokes. I love you.” — Joan Rivers

Tickets to see Joan Rivers at the Adrienne Arsht Center on November 11, 2009 were available through the box office at (305) 949-6722 or online at www.arshtcenter.org. Ticket prices ranged between $34.50 and $69.50.

For more upcoming events across South Florida, visit the Premier Guide Miami Events Calendar.